Writer Blog

(It’s a feelings-post)

I’m not where I thought I’d be.
Left to my own devices I’m stuck.
Paying back my life of not.

I’m not where I thought I’d be.
Sad and wiped;
I have no energy
I’m not where I thought I’d be.

Future’s blank, I get to write it?
I look and all I see
Is blank in front of me.

I’m not where I thought I’d be.
I have no plans, only debt.
Sisyphus retail spent.

I’m not where I thought I’d be.
Where that is, I don’t know.
We just want to be happy.

This wasn’t how it was supposed to be.
But I’m afraid to pick a direction.

Welcome to one of my funks. This is what rattles around in my brain when I’m feeling a bit down. I want it to be understood–I have wonderful, supportive people around me. No one has been doing me any wrong and I’m happy with my friends and family. It’s just hard to see a time in my life where I’m not living paycheck to paycheck or needing two jobs or relying on my family to just break even every month. I’m not even in as much debt as many of my peers and former classmates. I know I’m not alone with these feelings. Some wound up finding wonderful jobs in their areas of interest and are making enough for themselves to start families they can support. I’m so incredibly happy they found their happy places. Meanwhile, others are in my predicament. Some chose to stay in school, hoping to ride out the job-crash (and build more debt). Others took their college degrees and got jobs outside of their areas of interest. And some took my path–took our college degree to a retail job because all we kept finding were unpaid internships and more years of experience than we had the chance to gain. I count myself lucky that the retail job I found surrounds me with books and wonderful people; but it isn’t what I want to do forever. Others are in jobs they hate because they had to make ends meet.

After all is paid and done, I have $8.86 left over for gas and food every month. That’s why I had to get a second job. I also make above minimum wage. I’m very glad I have health insurance through my work, but it is by no means a livable wage. Part of this is due to debts I’ve stacked up from college. I have one credit card almost paid off and another that is going to take a while. I owe my family a lot of money for helping me make ends meet. I have a car loan and a student loan that are still years away from being done. This is why it’s hard to see anything in the near future that I can do for myself. I feel like my life right now is on loan. Even writing on here, I’m mentally kicking myself because I’m not working on my freelance work. It feels like homework so I manage to put it off until late at night when I finally make myself do something.

It’s a grueling process. I know some day it will be better. I know I need to organize and carve out time for everything. But there are days I just feel like crawling in a hole and hibernating until things start looking up again.

Once upon a time, a bear was crabby. He found a skunk and ate him. He had to sit with that choice for weeks. Now the bear is crabby and lonely.


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